Sometimes...

a person is better off being alone. 

2013 Blows

I don't know if I'll be able to truly relate the emotions I am feeling, have been feeling this past year.  I will try, but so much has happened, it is a bit overwhelming. 

Starting back in Nov of 2012, my older sister and I got in a huge argument over me expecting 5 of her family for Thanksgiving dinner.  4 showed up, and 3 left right before dinner was served to go to a deer lease.  Long drawn out ordeal, but it was ugly and it is much better now, but there are residual effects.  I was feeling used, a bit put out, unappreciated, you know, I felt like crap. I said things I should have kept to myself, but I wanted her to feel like crap, too.  And it worked.  Great.  Mission accomplished, now everyone feels like crap. I'm so proud.

Then my rabbit died.  I have 3 Mini Lops and the oldest one, 8 years old, died.  Not huge, but enough to cause pause.  The rabbits are outside animals, mainly for their composting magic they perform, but still.  :(

Then we put Hooter down, my 13 yr old cat that was pooping all over the house.  I tried a zillion different things, but she would NOT stop and I was pulling my hair out trying methods, products, etc., things to get her to stop and it was so gross.  She would go under my bed and I would have to crawl under there and clean it up and I was just so over it.  Sadness..   

In March my Mom died.  I didn't have a close relationship with my Mom, by her choice.  I tried, all of my sisters did, but she wasn't someone that accepted love easily.  I knew she was sick for awhile before she passed and I mistakenly didn't think it would rock me all that much. But it did.  And I miss her.  And so many things remind me of her and there is so much I want to say to her and I feel so sick inside. It doesn't stop...

Then my Father's sister died of the same cancer that took my Mom.  I met her about 6 years ago after my Dad died from heart failure and we immediately formed a close bond.  I looked up to her, thought she was amazing, kept in close contact with her via email and facebook for most of the 6 years.  She is missed, a unique individual, so interesting.  I'm not conveying this well.

Then my 11 year old dog started failing.  Congenital heart disease.  She could barely breathe, had swollen limbs, her appetite was suppressed.  When she turned her head away from a bone I offered, I knew it was time.  She wasn't my favorite, always a bit stubborn and listened when she felt like it, but she had been a part of the family for so many years and not having her here leaves an empty hole.

Now my younger sister and I are fighting. I planned a trip home for my Grandma's 92nd birthday and to sort through my Mom's things.  I also had talked to my step-brother when I was home last about spending a night at their super cool cabin.  For months we have been talking about us sisters doing this stuff.   

Today my sister tells me she is bringing her 9 yr old daughter.  I was like, "Woe.  I thought this was an adult vacation"  Drinks, sadness, cabin, drinks... Throw a child into the works now we have schedules and bedtimes and limits.  I had done this for many years with my 3 girls, care for children all year long, I want freedom from this.   

My sister blows a gasket.  I am evil, how dare I not want her daughter there.  Stop texting me!  We will stay as far away from you as possible!  We won't stay where you stay!  I was like, "HEY!  You never even told me she might come, I have been thinking this was an adult thing. This is a different sort of vacation now."

All hell breaks loose.  Once again, I am the bad guy.  She has unlimited vacation anytime, I have a tight vacation schedule, she said, "Why should I change my ticket?"  I'm like, "What?  I have very little time I can do this." I am NOT going on a vacation full of stress and bad feelings.  I will not. 

Did I mention this year SUCKS???

I need it to fly by, even though that means I will be older. 

I have always hated the number 13...